Cottage Nuts
Are you climbing the walls instead of the crags?
“Cottage Nuts” is a slang term for Cabin Fever. Its roots have been traced back to Chamonix France and Jean-Guy Rapatel’s innocent and humourous translation of the term. Technically speaking, Cottage Nuts is the claustrophobic reaction of a person or group shut in for an extended period of time, something many of us now experience as we self-isolate to flatten the COVID-19 curve so we can get back out in the world as soon as safely possible.
No doubt, as days turn into weeks of sequestering, cases of Cottage Nuts will be on the rise. Luckily, this affliction is also the primary concern of a group of popular malady enthusiasts called Alpinists Producing Antidotes for Sequestered Tribulations (A.P.A.S.T.), who dedicate their lives to providing relief for the symptoms of Cottage Nuts.
Picture this: You are two weeks into isolating at home and other than a quick resupply at the local grocer, you haven’t crossed your property line (resisting the temptation to frolic in the mountains). You’re beginning to find yourself restless, irritable, forgetful, and you’ve been drinking and sleeping excessively (directly related). All of these are signs that you’re going...Cottage Nuts!
But not to worry, the ACC has teamed up with the folks at A.P.A.S.T. to bring you some ancient activities that can protect you from the mind-numbing effects of Cottage Nuts. You can enjoy these activities by yourself, with other members of your household, or even with remote friends through the miracle of videoconferencing on your smart phone or tablet.
Bum Darts
Originating deep within the Amazon, ancient warriors would compete by carrying a Brazil nut and dropping it into a hole in the forest floor—without using their hands. Contemporary combatants can use a Canadian quarter and a coffee mug or glass jar as a target instead of digging up the broadloom.
Position yourself about ten feet away from the target.
Squeeze the quarter (or quarters as you progress) between your butt cheeks.
Keeping the quarter squeezed between your cheeks, shuffle backwards, stand over the target, relax your cheeks and drop er’ in!
Pro tips…
Keeping a straight back helps immensely with aiming. Straight back and trust!
Anything spandex is by far the best choice of attire because loose clothing can interfere with the intended trajectory of the quarter.
Use a tin or glass container as your target to produce a satisfying chime signifying a successfully thrown dart!
Doctor
From the frigid Siberian plains of prehistory, opponents would use the large intestine of the great Woolly Mammoth (chosen for its durability and smell) to make a loop between them and attempt to cause each other to lose balance. Modern day adversaries can use ½” to 1” wide climbing webbing to make a loop about twelve feet long.
Stand facing each other.
Each competitor loops the webbing behind his back and grips it tightly with one hand.
The slightest shuffle or step with one or both feet constitutes a victory for the other person. During Doctor, you cannot touch the cord with your free hand at any time.
Pro tips…
Pull the cord with your hand to take up the slack, and simultaneously flick your hip to pull your opponent forward out of balance.
Counter that aggressive offensive maneuver by creating slack in the line by putting your hand behind your back.
As with many games a good defense is a good offense.
Be patient.
Have at ‘er.
Banana Puttin’
Possibly originating in the South Pacific when a container full of twine and ping pong balls washed up on the beach of some remote isle, the sport of banana puttin’ enabled lonely locals to wile away the hours on their isolated atolls. The islanders would loop the twine around the waistband of their loincloths and tie a banana to the other end, dangling it between their legs, then gyrate hips to swing the banana and putt a ping pong ball along the beach. Contemporary banana putters can undertake a speed, accuracy, relay or endurance competition (all four have been considered as Olympic demonstration events).
Each player (works best with 2-4) ties a string from the stem of a banana to their belt, leaving the fruit 5cm from the ground.
From a mass start, players use their bananas to putt the ping pong ball along a designated course, through obstacles (under chairs, around bottles, onto and off of different types of flooring) to a finish line.
Traditionalists play with unmarked balls; modern rules accept labeling.
Too many players? Create a bracket.
Pro tips…
Bend the knees, take short strokes.
Let other players crash into each other out front, sprint to the finish.
When playing from behind aim to make up ground gradually – “Haste makes last placed with disgraced food waste” as the pros say.
Know your banana. Larger fruit can be harder to control. Avoid overripe.
All these activities are adaptable to your environment, contributing to why they have helped combat the effects of Cottage Nuts for a millennium. The real key to successfully dealing with the phenomenon of going Cottage Nuts is to be creative, playful, safe and adventurous. And being a little crazy doesn’t hurt either.
What are your ideas?
We at the ACC are interested in any activities that you have devised to relieve the Cottage Nuts. Please send us your ideas at marketing@alpineclubofcanada.ca for future Aspects posts.
Adapted with permission from an article of the same name by John Coleman, appearing in Highline Magazine, Winter 2009.